7 July 2016

Missing Period

My thoughts are in disarray. There is no easy way to say this, I've got no place to vent except here and I'm not going to beat around the bush so I'll just write it here: I might be pregnant. I could not confirm anything yet since I do not take any pregnancy test. Searching for an open gynaecology clinic in Ipoh on the second day of Raya is a pain in the ass. I am so fucked up.

When was my last period? The last day of December. Wow. You must have been thinking that I'm such a genius for not being aware of my missing period. Firstly, my period is always 40-60 days late for the past one year. I was quite worried when my period started to come late (referring to the past year statement), but I went, "Fuck this shit. If it wants to come, it will come. Stain my underwear with blood. Whatever. I'll just wash it." So, this time, I was like, "Ngeh, it will come when it wants to come." However, missing period for six months is time for me to panic.

I was busy. There were too much stuffs occupying my mind. I was sick before the semester six started and I was busy tackling the flu, the fever, the coughing and also my puking. I did not consider that as the morning sickness syndrome. I ate and I puked. That was all. I was sick, what did you expect? Puking rainbow? Then, the assignments came. Microteaching. Macroteaching. Final Year Project. Sociolinguistics. Spanish. And stress joined the fun. It was very stressful.

There was no obvious syndrome. I have the habit of eating snacks in between meals. I gain weight when I do not watch out for my food intake and when I do not really have time to go for exercise. I'd suffer constipation when I do not drink enough water. Stress can cause weight gain. It can also cause missing period.

Then, I started to feel that my clothes were getting wee bit tighter. My pants were straining against my hips and I could not wear belt without feeling suffocated. Yep, I've gained weight. Mother has started to comment that I might be eating a lot since I look fatter. Maybe it is because I eat regularly and I'm not so stress anymore since my assignments are done. My friend's father told her that he thinks I'm getting fatter. 

Worried, I consulted my brother, told him my situation when he was gaming (LOL, bad timing much?) and he said that he would bring back a pregnancy kit for me. Later on, he checked my tummy and said that I'd better go for gynaecologist for scanning because the possibility of me being pregnant is very high. The foetus might be 4-5 months old. Maybe. It couldn't be determined unless I have ultrasound.

Anyhow, I broke the news to love when he was gaming (LOL. Me and my bad timing part 2) and he was like, "I told you to check before, didn't I?" Yes, I was at fault for always getting angry whenever he said he thought I might be pregnant. He would always joke around, saying that he wanted to get married and have babies, and sometimes it was annoying. I would brush those remarks off because I thought it was all because of stress. Until I felt something in my tummy. And the fact that I've gained weight. Ugh. Getting fat is bad news, but expanding forward instead of sideways? Worse.

Fine. I'm always in denial. I deny that I might be pregnant because I was stressed. I deny that I might be pregnant because my period was always late. I deny that I might be pregnant because of various stupid reasons. Well, either I'm pregnant, or I'm having blocked Fallopian tubes which induce bloating and weight gain. Or, maybe I have cancer. Whichever, I'm fucked. See, denial.

Sigh. I'll go looking for available gynaecology clinic tomorrow and hopefully I can know the result asap. Then, love and I can plan what to do. My teaching. My study. My life. The baby. Nope, we are not aborting the baby. That is a sin. Well, I guessed I've already sinned when I have premarital sex anyways.

It actually pains me a lot seeing love thinking about financial. He's doing well, but not that well if adding the baby burden to the financial. He has just gotten a new car. He hasn't bought a house. We aren't married. He apologized for getting me pregnant (probably) and he was sorry if that was the reason for my late graduation due to postponing my studies. He asked if I want to abort it. Never in my life I'd abort a baby even if it is life threatening. It's a gift from God, a product of our love. How could I bear the thought of aborting it?

16 September 2015

Favouritism

I'm not everyone's favourite, so it doesn't matter if I'm being forgotten. That is what I've been telling myself lately, trying to convince myself not to be overly sensitive to this kind of thing. The fact that I've been moving around so much during my childhood and adolescent life makes it difficult for me to bond with people. I'm afraid to get attached to people, so one day, I found myself retreating to a corner, blocking everyone else off and sprouting my introvert personality. I do open up to some people, yet not everyone seems to accept the real me. They try to change me, my personality, my attitude, the way I think and the way I interact with people. There were few times I tried to change for the sake of their approvals. I tried, gotten hurt, retreated to lick my wounds and hid myself away. Then, I'd reach out again, only to be judged, and the process would repeat itself again. I'm tired of all these bullshit. If it's so hard to acknowledge the real me, what's the point of taking off my mask? I'd rather be left alone. Someday, I'd look back and laugh at myself for behaving like an outcast who was trying so hard to be accepted. Somehow, I'd come to my senses that nobody's worth for me to alter myself just to meet their expectations. Sometimes, it's okay to be myself.


Memories will fade;
the pain, sad experiences will be made into life lessons,
the joyful reminiscences will turn foggy
and everything will become merely fuzzy recollection.

25 February 2015

Semester Four

Class started on the 16th and I went back on the 23rd because it's Chinese New Year on the 19th but exceptions were given to the Chinese who celebrated CNY so they may go back a week later. However, the lecturers were quite harsh on us, especially when they expected us to know whatever stuffs they said in the previous class. Maybe some had asked the course mates but I was too busy to online most of the time and I barely have time to settle down to read an article. Ugh... Not to mention, I have classes from Monday to Saturday. How the hell am I supposed to go back to Ipoh with additional drama performance stuffs and also assignments which are starting to pile up. *sobbed* By the way, I got quite a good pointer for my finals last semester. *tears of joy*


Actually, I'm trying to organize and categorize the pictures but realized I haven't blog about them so I selected few and posted them up with captions. Yeah, I'm just that lazy. Blame it on menstruation and also, fever.


I have decided not to braid my hair for some time since there was a kid mistaken me as "aunty" for no reason when I was working for love. Fine, then his mother was another bitch who was blind and told her son to call me louder. Dafuq. I'm so sorry I look better than you without makeup while you have to slap an inch thick make up on your face to look like a hooker.


Then, I decided to cut my fringe to look "younger".


Fishtail braid attempt: fail? I think it's too thick.


Valentines' Day. We watched Triumph in the Skies before having lunch at Vivo. The movie was so-so since there were three main stories but there wasn't any connection between them. Sigh. And the lunch? Expensive. Edible, but expensive.


The next day, we tried the Yummy House cafe and the food was ordinary. And OMG, don't get me started on the snow ice. It was horrible. And definitely, we won't be going to that cafe next time.


We had beer feast with Sifu and Allen on Tuesday.


Reunion dinner with family :)


I wore cheongsam on the first day of CNY
when going to church for CNY Mass
and thank goodness I hadn't gone TOO bulky
or else I couldn't fit into the dress.


Yes, I wore make up when I was wearing the cheongsam
so I didn't remove the make up when I changed.
I spent the rest of the day with love.


First, we had Thai massage.


After changing and waiting in the room.


We watched Kingsman: The Secret Service.
The movie was WOW!
Two fatties taking picture ==


I watched the second movie with his mother and sister.
Dragon Blade.


We ended the day with ABC.


Manicure done on CNY Day 2 by yours truly.


Eyes, Nose, Lips.


I visited Kelly at night and Kryss got crazy after 2 bottles of Apple Cider.
Penny joined us later and we had fireworks.


 CNY Day 3. Numbers.
We visited his relatives and I got a lot of angpaus.
Ngek ngek ngek~


I didn't take any pictures on CNY Day 4 since I fell sick right after Mass and I was in a high fever state when I reached love's house. Then I cried and freaked him out since the heat was overwhelming. In the end, he fed me medicine through his mouth =3=


Oh, look! I bought a pair of Stitch slippers when I walked past a shop. 
OMGOMGOMG!
It was freaking cute!

Okay, that was all for the post. My fever came again and I should stop typing and go to rest. Or do something worthwhile like watching video or something else. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Bye.


You may laugh me at my weakest, hurt me when I'm vulnerable
 but I will be like a phoenix,
reborn from the ashes,
destructible, invincible, immortal, fresh, new and young again.

9 February 2015

23 Months

December was quite a busy month for me, to procrastinate. I had finals on 29th and the week before was the study week. I spent my day time dating and studied at night, although my studying time was more to procrastinating. Old habits die hard. However, I had a date with Kelly and Kryss at Starbucks on the start of my study week to catch up with each other. It had been quite some time and we didn't manage to take picture because we were too immersed in chatting.


The next day, I went to my brother's clinic with Eberwein to have our blood tested. After that, we had lunch at Snow Fusion. The waiter asked about my love since I had always went there with him instead of other people.


I think that was the day I dated love with make up on my face. Normally I wouldn't make up because we didn't go anywhere and the weather was always so freaking hot I ended up sweating like crazy. Since we were off to watch movie, I decided to make up and seduce him XD


I kidnapped my roommate back Ipoh after our major papers on the 31st so she could celebrate New Year with me in my room, watching Squid Girl while drinking beer. Hahaha~ Then I brought her around for sightseeing and let her got tickled by the hoglets.


Oh, I bought a gift for love when I was shopping with Natasha. He wanted this collection but didn't manage to buy the set since it was quite pricey. And I made a corner bookmark to go with the novel.


Once my semester break started, I had dinner date with Kelly and Kryss at Zento Sushi and then second round with Sherilyn and her boyfriend at Something's Brewing. The gathering was fun.


The day after I had gotten back from Pangkor Island, I had a date with Rosalyn, aka Bear Bear. I brought her to buy stuffs before giving her one of the hoglets. I was glad her family loved the hoglet. I hadn't find a time to visit him because I was too busy. I missed the baby.



So, I went for rebonding a week before my first dip dye. It was hidden underneath since I couldn't risk dip dyeing the entire bottom length of my hair due to university rules. Introducing my hairstylist: Henry Choong.


Okay, I think I'm running out of things to say already. So I'd end the blog post with a mosaic picture of my love because he said he looked ugly in the picture. Hehe. Happy 23rd Monthsary. I love you.


30 January 2015

Pangkor Honeymoon

Here goes the first post of the year and it is about my honeymoon to Pangkor Island more than a week ago when love had nights off. Like, FINALLY! Anyways, he gave me two options: whether to go to Cameron Highlands or Pangkor Island. Firstly, I thought of going to Cameron since the weather was scorching hot but Pangkor has beaches! Goodness. I was torn in between. In the end, we decided to go Pangkor since I had already packed my swimming suit.


We started our journey after he brought his car for service and helped the hedgehogs bathe. When we reached Lumut, we were introduced to pick hotel and booked a motorcycle. After that, we took the ferry to Pangkor Island, which took about 30 minutes.


We checked in at Coral Bay Hotel
and went off to search for activities at beaches. 


We stopped by a tower which overlooked the sunset.


Before we had dinner, we had fun on the swing. 


Waiting for our food to come...


Food! Yummy food!


Love was extracting the meat from the crab
since he knew I was super lazy to do so myself. 


However, he himself is also a lazy pig.
Hahaha~


Therefore, it was so touching to see him prying the shells apart
to extract the meat for me.


The hotel we stayed in has a large swimming pool.

We turned in for the night after dinner but we went out for burger hunting because love was hungry. And some time during dinner, I threw my contacts because my eyes were watering due to the motorcycle ride. There was something in my eyes even if I removed the contacts but it wasn't as irritating as the time when I had my contacts on. So the pictures below go on with me looking like crap because I was half blind due to absence of contacts and I didn't really have enough sleep. Ugh.


The next day, we had our free breakfast in the hotel.


Our first journey: a temple...


Just for the sake of the view...


We stopped by satay factory and took pictures...


Inside the factory...


At the back of the factory...


Ooooohhh...
Is it edible?


Macam yes.
He was pretending to be packing...


Oh, did I mention this was my first time
having my love fetching me with motorcycle?
 It was fun, to be able to molest him from behind.
HAHAHA~


This was a traditional boat building place...


This was, so far, the best and loveliest place we have been to in Pangkor Island.
The Dutch Fort.
And I'll just let the picture do the talking instead of putting captions...





















After the photoshooting session, we returned the motorcycle and had lunch somewhere near the jetty. We missed the ferry and had to stay for another half and hour so we decided to have dessert while waiting.


The famous pink vans in Pangkor Island.
Those rich people or people who had zero knowledge of riding motorcycle
would book the van for tour.
It was quite pricey though, having to pay RM80 for two hours. 


Last, but not least, I hurt my finger
when I was having fun at the swimming pool.
Okay, I got naughty and slid down the children's slide.
So, I ended up hurting myself since the kid's pool was shallow.


Oh, I had dinner with love's family after we got back from the trip.
The dinner was delicious.