My thoughts are in disarray. There is no easy way to say this, I've got no place to vent except here and I'm not going to beat around the bush so I'll just write it here: I might be pregnant. I could not confirm anything yet since I do not take any pregnancy test. Searching for an open gynaecology clinic in Ipoh on the second day of Raya is a pain in the ass. I am so fucked up.
When was my last period? The last day of December. Wow. You must have been thinking that I'm such a genius for not being aware of my missing period. Firstly, my period is always 40-60 days late for the past one year. I was quite worried when my period started to come late (referring to the past year statement), but I went, "Fuck this shit. If it wants to come, it will come. Stain my underwear with blood. Whatever. I'll just wash it." So, this time, I was like, "Ngeh, it will come when it wants to come." However, missing period for six months is time for me to panic.
I was busy. There were too much stuffs occupying my mind. I was sick before the semester six started and I was busy tackling the flu, the fever, the coughing and also my puking. I did not consider that as the morning sickness syndrome. I ate and I puked. That was all. I was sick, what did you expect? Puking rainbow? Then, the assignments came. Microteaching. Macroteaching. Final Year Project. Sociolinguistics. Spanish. And stress joined the fun. It was very stressful.
There was no obvious syndrome. I have the habit of eating snacks in between meals. I gain weight when I do not watch out for my food intake and when I do not really have time to go for exercise. I'd suffer constipation when I do not drink enough water. Stress can cause weight gain. It can also cause missing period.
Then, I started to feel that my clothes were getting wee bit tighter. My pants were straining against my hips and I could not wear belt without feeling suffocated. Yep, I've gained weight. Mother has started to comment that I might be eating a lot since I look fatter. Maybe it is because I eat regularly and I'm not so stress anymore since my assignments are done. My friend's father told her that he thinks I'm getting fatter.
Worried, I consulted my brother, told him my situation when he was gaming (LOL, bad timing much?) and he said that he would bring back a pregnancy kit for me. Later on, he checked my tummy and said that I'd better go for gynaecologist for scanning because the possibility of me being pregnant is very high. The foetus might be 4-5 months old. Maybe. It couldn't be determined unless I have ultrasound.
Anyhow, I broke the news to love when he was gaming (LOL. Me and my bad timing part 2) and he was like, "I told you to check before, didn't I?" Yes, I was at fault for always getting angry whenever he said he thought I might be pregnant. He would always joke around, saying that he wanted to get married and have babies, and sometimes it was annoying. I would brush those remarks off because I thought it was all because of stress. Until I felt something in my tummy. And the fact that I've gained weight. Ugh. Getting fat is bad news, but expanding forward instead of sideways? Worse.
Fine. I'm always in denial. I deny that I might be pregnant because I was stressed. I deny that I might be pregnant because my period was always late. I deny that I might be pregnant because of various stupid reasons. Well, either I'm pregnant, or I'm having blocked Fallopian tubes which induce bloating and weight gain. Or, maybe I have cancer. Whichever, I'm fucked. See, denial.
Sigh. I'll go looking for available gynaecology clinic tomorrow and hopefully I can know the result asap. Then, love and I can plan what to do. My teaching. My study. My life. The baby. Nope, we are not aborting the baby. That is a sin. Well, I guessed I've already sinned when I have premarital sex anyways.
It actually pains me a lot seeing love thinking about financial. He's doing well, but not that well if adding the baby burden to the financial. He has just gotten a new car. He hasn't bought a house. We aren't married. He apologized for getting me pregnant (probably) and he was sorry if that was the reason for my late graduation due to postponing my studies. He asked if I want to abort it. Never in my life I'd abort a baby even if it is life threatening. It's a gift from God, a product of our love. How could I bear the thought of aborting it?