Sorry That I Love You

I was being defeated by my dream today. It was my first time dreaming of him ever since we broke up 9 days ago. I was in his house, hanging out and spending time with him. I missed the moments I hung out with him, especially when we were still siblings and when we had just started our relationship. He treasured me a lot at that time. He thought that I was being hurt deeply by my ex and always put himself in a worry state in order to think of a way to protect my fragile heart. I guessed it was my fault for taking his care for granted. Sometimes, the way he worried about me was more controlling than my parents. He'd get tensed up and worried when guys talked to me. He'd complain when the cloth I wore was quite sexy, in his opinion. He'd get jumpy if I didn't reply him during the time he expected my replies. And that was when he was still my little brother. He was always happy when he chatted with me and was glad that I could find an exact way to cheer him up although he never told me. I still keep the videos he made with his brothers and those which my name would be mentioned occasionally. I loved the part whereby he took so much effort to make a video and then was trying to confess his feelings for me through it. I missed the time when we chatted through Skype for so many hours and he would keep saying "I love you" whenever I was away from the  computer. I missed the time when he would actually spend time writing sweet and long messages to me. I missed the time when he didn't want to be away from me because he'd start to miss me even though we had just met few hours ago. I missed the first kiss we shared, and yes, that was a very special kiss indeed because he was so nervous and told me to shut my eyes while he confessed to me before kissing me upside down, just like the Spiderman version, except that I was lying on his bed and he was not hanging upside down from the ceiling. He was worried that I'd date the wrong type of guy who'd leave me heartbroken if I ever broke up with that guy. He wasn't the wrong guy for me, although he might not be a Mr Perfect, yet I loved him so deeply that my heart was so scarred and broken. Call me a coward, I still hadn't have the courage to delete all the messages he sent me. I still hadn't have the courage to pack away all those stuffs he gave me. A confession to make here, although I had remove all the tags in the pictures I uploaded to Facebook which we took as couple, I still wasn't ready to delete them off my Facebook. Every memory behind every picture we took, every memory behind every outing we went and every memory behind every moment we spent, I still hadn't have the courage to forget and move on. A silly thought keep bugging me, it wanted me to get back with him again. Whenever it happened, it kept reminding me how much we loved each other and telling me to give each other another chance to try out. And my heart would remind me, with its bleeding state, that I had already reached my limit, that my heart was already broken to so many pieces, that I needed to take a break from this, and I had to move on. We had changed a lot, the way he treated me, the way I cared for him and stuffs we did to hurt each other. I wanted him to be happy once again, back to the old times where he was his old self, the boy whom I fell in love with. And it didn't matter if I wasn't in his life anymore.