PAST
I have been reading a novel which speaks about my past, somehow. It hasn't been exactly the same but somewhat related. In the first and second book, I have not recognize anything except the hollow feeling in my chest whenever the main character gone through depressing moments. I know I have always put myself in the main character's shoes whenever I read any novel and try to visualize it but this is different. I'm sorry for bringing up the past again but I just wish I can get rid of this burden from my chest.
A part of my past had gone: the selfies I took during the moments when I was still with him. Although I had deleted every of our pictures (I think) and thrown all the gifts, those selfies I took that year spoke a lot about me. The time when I was still happily in love (or so I thought), the time when we started to have conflicts, the time when he lied to me, the time we started to drift apart and the time when we finally broke up.
I knew that relationship couldn't last long, yet I still had those tiny little hopes that it would last. At least, I knew I did. Not trying to boast here, but I am good in detecting lies, especially those illogical types. It took me few moments to figure out the flaws in a lie. That was why I was always insecure. Was. The past. Lies had been made up to cover the lies before and it became a habit for him to lie. I'd pry them apart and interpret them, to be ended up in disappointment that he lied again and slowly, I was unable to trust him anymore.
Our relationship was more to a routine: a message from him when he got back home, few texts exchanging our boring lives at schools and then ended with goodnight. No more affections. It was even worse when I heard no confirmation of his feelings for me. No more "I love you"s. It slowly tortured me to an extent, making me turning slightly wacko.
This led to my obsession, of wanting to know more about what there were to hide from me. The secrets. The lies. My compulsion was to sign in to his Facebook account to check on him, to check his inbox, and to check his conversation with any female regardless of age. I started to lash out hurtful words at him although I didn't mean it. I'd call him, screamed at him, demanding for answers and in return, his actions were restricted, he no longer had space to breathe and everything he did couldn't earn any of my trust.
Thinking back about those stuffs I actually did and said, I could barely recognize myself. Nobody's perfect, I know, but he turned me into something beyond terrible: a scary clingy girlfriend. I'm really glad it was over. Somehow, I doubted that I could ever love again. I didn't think I actually know how to love a person. If loving someone could tun me into someone I'm not, I'd rather be single. At least I knew I could be happy being myself.
PRESENT
Honestly, I didn't know I will meet someone again so soon, three months into my single life. I didn't really have much confidence in this relationship. 12 years gap in age is quite a huge number for me and everyone is shocked when they acknowledge this fact. All I know is that I enjoy chatting with him because we are always in the same vibe and our thoughts are in sync. We met up after chatting for two days in WeChat and ended up going out for four days continuously: drink, movie, arcade, night market, park, dinner, club and karaoke. He confessed to me over a song but I didn't know how to react to his affections. I recoiled from my past, afraid to reach for the present and trying hard to avoid thinking my future.
"Don't put 100% of your feelings in this relationship, 80% should be enough so if you ever decide to leave me, you still have your 20% left to protect you." That was what he told me when we were not even a month into our relationship. He said that he told himself to at least save 5% of his feelings, but he failed because he couldn't stop himself from loving me fully. There were few times I wondered if I ever worth this much of love and attention from this guy.
He wouldn't keep anything from me. Even when he met back his ex, he would tell me. And he loves the attention I give him, the time I clung to him and the moments we spend together. He tolerates my temper. He always lets me win. He treasures me, except when he tried to nibble (okay, it's more like bite) me because he says I'm delicious (weird, I know) and spank me on the butt for being naughty.
My parents acknowledge our relationship the day he brought me out to meet his family. Yes, I knew they doubted we would last long (again, age gap!) but we prove otherwise. When I first dated him, my parents would set curfew for me and kept calling when I wasn't home yet. And now I didn't have any phone calls from them even when I got home at three in the morning. My mother likes him so much that she even brings dinner for him although I'm not around to taste her homecook food.
The moments he spends with me decreases as the time passes since he decides to work more and aim for a better future. He wants to buy a car so he could fetch me with that car instead of using his old Kancil, and he is thinking of buying a house for our future.
Some friends ask me whether he is trustworthy and whether he will think of having a secret affair since I'm not around to "surveillance" him. I know, I'm studying in Tanjong Malim while he is working his ass off in Ipoh and we are 126KM apart. Never once I doubted him. I trust him completely. Instead, he is the one who is afraid that my heart might get won over by guys here. But he doesn't worry anymre, because nobody can get in between us. We are not going to be easily defeated by anything, be it distance, people or trust.
When the time comes, we'd walk down the aisle. We'd tie our vows as husband and wife. I'd marry him. I'd say I do. I'd keep this promise. And I won't stop loving him. Perhaps I should start thinking about our honeymoon location soon...
Here is an extra something which I have no idea where to upload and ends up uploading it here. I don't really know how to edit the song into background so I'll just leave it to singing without music. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. The lyrics is irrelevant to my life at the moment but still, I enjoyed singing it. My key went flat at a part of the song, due to my absence in choir practice ever since I started my degree in university. It isn't a complete song, and hope your ears won't bleed after hearing it. You have been warned. Do click on the play button. Haha :)
"Don't put 100% of your feelings in this relationship, 80% should be enough so if you ever decide to leave me, you still have your 20% left to protect you." That was what he told me when we were not even a month into our relationship. He said that he told himself to at least save 5% of his feelings, but he failed because he couldn't stop himself from loving me fully. There were few times I wondered if I ever worth this much of love and attention from this guy.
He wouldn't keep anything from me. Even when he met back his ex, he would tell me. And he loves the attention I give him, the time I clung to him and the moments we spend together. He tolerates my temper. He always lets me win. He treasures me, except when he tried to nibble (okay, it's more like bite) me because he says I'm delicious (weird, I know) and spank me on the butt for being naughty.
My parents acknowledge our relationship the day he brought me out to meet his family. Yes, I knew they doubted we would last long (again, age gap!) but we prove otherwise. When I first dated him, my parents would set curfew for me and kept calling when I wasn't home yet. And now I didn't have any phone calls from them even when I got home at three in the morning. My mother likes him so much that she even brings dinner for him although I'm not around to taste her homecook food.
FUTURE
The moments he spends with me decreases as the time passes since he decides to work more and aim for a better future. He wants to buy a car so he could fetch me with that car instead of using his old Kancil, and he is thinking of buying a house for our future.
Some friends ask me whether he is trustworthy and whether he will think of having a secret affair since I'm not around to "surveillance" him. I know, I'm studying in Tanjong Malim while he is working his ass off in Ipoh and we are 126KM apart. Never once I doubted him. I trust him completely. Instead, he is the one who is afraid that my heart might get won over by guys here. But he doesn't worry anymre, because nobody can get in between us. We are not going to be easily defeated by anything, be it distance, people or trust.
When the time comes, we'd walk down the aisle. We'd tie our vows as husband and wife. I'd marry him. I'd say I do. I'd keep this promise. And I won't stop loving him. Perhaps I should start thinking about our honeymoon location soon...
EXTRA
Here is an extra something which I have no idea where to upload and ends up uploading it here. I don't really know how to edit the song into background so I'll just leave it to singing without music. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. The lyrics is irrelevant to my life at the moment but still, I enjoyed singing it. My key went flat at a part of the song, due to my absence in choir practice ever since I started my degree in university. It isn't a complete song, and hope your ears won't bleed after hearing it. You have been warned. Do click on the play button. Haha :)
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