Addict

I think I have turned into an addict. How can I become so pathetic? One year, the memories are not easy to be forgotten. After going through the items and keeping them away, I spent the next day being so freaking emo. There are too many memories flood through my mind. I think I'm addicted to his love for his love is my drug. After breakup, I try to get over this. Sometimes, I win, but sometimes, I lose. Thinking back the happenings a year ago and comparing with now, it is not the same anymore. And perhaps few days later, few weeks later, few months later or few years later, the girl he hugs, the girl he kisses, the girl he pampers, the girl he loves... will not be me anymore. This thought scares me. This thought makes me shed tears. This thought has been bothering me for the past few months ever since our relationship turned unstable. I keep telling myself that crying over this matter will not help to solve it since we are over now. A part of me wishes that we never started. Another part of me wishes that we still can hold on. One more part of me wishes that I can move on. I am still stuck here, in the middle of the ocean, floating and sinking occasionally. I'm lost. I need him to guide me back. But I know, no matter how hard I wish, no matter how hard I pray, no matter how hard I cry, he will never be there for me again.

I know, just let it pass. I know, just forget about it. I know, stand up again after falling down. I know, I know, I know! But I'm not all the time tough, I have my weak moments. Whenever I'm going through that moment, nobody is there for me. NOBODY. It is very hard to go through this moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know what shall I do. I don't know where I should go. I don't know who to turn to. I still love him, I just don't know how to stop. Stop loving him. Stop missing him. Stop remember everything about him. I wish the world can stop. I wish I'm not in so much pain. I wish my life can be simple. I wish I can just be happy.

Can I be happy? I don't think so, but I'd try. I'm just... really fed up with love and relationship. Seeing everyone else around me falling in love, breaking up and some are going through the stages I've gone through before, I think I'm better off alone. That was what I thought before being with him. And that is what I think now. In between, I thought he can really be the one who'd cherish and love and treasure me from getting hurt but he is the one who did all the hurting. He hurts me, I hurt him back and we both end up getting hurt. I'm fed up. I really want to stop this. Ending this relationship doesn't mean the pain will stop. It will not stop. Time will surely cure, but it takes a long time. I'm impatient. I want to be cheerful again, I want to be my own self. I want to stay happy. I want him back.