亲爱的宝贝

It is unfair to him. The things he did for me, I just don't know how to react. I may seem cool about it, but deep down in my heart, I'm really happy. I just don't know how to express my feelings. His actions remind me about my old self, the one who loved so deeply, the one who gave a lot and the one who received hurt in the end. Seeing him using our holding hands picture as cover photo, and seeing him changing our profile picture, I have the sudden urge to change mine too. In fact, that idea crossed my mind few days ago but I don't carry it out. Instead, I change the phone's lockscreen wallpaper to our picture. 

Afraid to love. Afraid to give out my heart fully. Afraid to get hurt again. The past memories. The past promises. The past. They come back haunting me. Firstly, he told me he changed the profile picture to show everyone that he loves me. And slowly, he changed it to his own solo picture. Firstly, he was being sweet to me. And slowly, he was so lazy even to reply my "ILY". Firstly, he always text me even if he was busy. And slowly, he said I bothered him because he needed some space away from me when spending time with his friends. Firstly, he paid all his attentions to me. And slowly, he rather play games than actually talk to me properly. It was until I threw tantrum and cried, only then he hugged me, pampered me and said I was just being childish.

And now, he'd treat me good. But I don't know how long this will last. Maybe he'd give up and leave because of my hidden affections. Every time when I'm savouring the sweet moments, my heart will ache, reminding me of my past. Pain. Hurt. Scars. They are still there. Three months of being single, healing the almost one year injuries, it needs more time. The lies. The broken promises. The memories. Thinking back how I fell for him last time, it was probably because of his actions, because of what he did, which touched me deeply, and I decided to give him a chance to love me. And in return, he hurt me deeply. I have turned very sensitive, very paranoid, very insecure, very emotional and very easily upset. Because of him, I broke my dating rules. I dated with someone who is younger than me. I dated with a non-Christian. I dated with someone who couldn't even promise me a proper future. I lived in the dark, searching for ways out, tripped and hurt myself.

Again, I break my dating rules. Dating with someone whom I barely know for a week, is definitely a NO on my list. And dating with someone who is 12 years older than me, it is really a shocking news, even for myself. Yet, I don't feel like just knowing him for few days only. We click instantly when we first met and we have the tacit understanding【默契】which we can just finish each other's sentences. Thus, he always complain that I say his dialogues. Sometimes, I can know what he thinks even if he is trying to say something exactly the opposite. He is always honest with his feelings and thoughts, will not exaggerate them for the sake of trying to make me happy. Also, he will not make any empty promises because he knows what he can do and what he can't do.

王永健，

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