ForeverAlone.JPG

I'm well loved by those

who understood me

and is well hated by those

who misunderstood my actions and words.

This is so going to be an emo post so seriously do steer clear if you can't handle my emo-ness. I'm not really in a good condition ever since I stopped texting him. Maybe his texts serve as a distraction from my pain and then I'm plunging deep into the pain now as it has been two days since he texted me. Okay. Call me a bitch, you can blame me for toying with his feelings, you can blame me for using him to get over my pain and you can blame everything on me because I'm in deep guilt at the moment.

The pain started few days back. Whenever I was in conversation with my friends, someone would always came up in the topic. Be it the issue of our breakup, be it the issue of relationship or be it the issue of something which had to do with him, his name would be mentioned. After few times of these kind of conversations, I tend to think about him. I'd mention about our memories in loving, tender voice and then I'd say "ex" in a terribly hurtful tone. There are too much memories, too much remorse, too much love and too much pain for me to be okay.

Whenever I ate something, I'd go, "Hmmm~ He likes this, he dislikes that, he will not eat this". I was eating sushi when the thought "He dislikes eating cucumber in sushi" flashed across my mind. My sister and I were browsing through ice creams in supermarket and I'd try to search for durian flavoured ice cream. While watching a drama and saw Sonija Kwok, I even told my sister that she used to be his crush. My sister even asked me whether he would be reminded of stuffs I liked or disliked if he ever came across them. I shrugged.

I had been struggling for half year, each time getting more insecure than ever and paranoid never left me. And every time, the thought of holding onto that relationship got weaker. But I still love him. I still remembered few days back during the moment when my sister was trying to hug me as she was lying beside me and I really got freaked out. He is still the only person I'd let to be wrapped in his arms and just stay there for a whole night sleep.

Honestly, I wasn't willing to end this relationship. Yet, I knew he was unhappy. According to my sources, someone complained that messages he wrote were too short. He said it was because he was used to conversing with me in short sentences. And to tell the truth, I disliked short sentences too. When a person wrote a long message to me, I'd feel like he has been spending a long time writing down something and not just by scribbling few words and that was all. It had been struggle for him too since he had to cope with his studies, homeworks, examinations and phobias so I just let this issue passed as not to add stress to him. Who knew it turned out to be a habit for him.

I hate guys who are so deeply indulge in gaming. It's because once a guy starts to play games, everything else become non-important already. At first I thought he wasn't so crazy about gaming, until I realized he stopped gaming because of PMR and then started again with his games. Maybe I shouldn't have mind too much, since he's still a young boy. And he's too immature for me. Sometimes, I'd tolerate his behaviours with "immature and young" as excuses but I got tired of tolerating. Give and take? Kid me not.

I can keep away the items he gave me.

I can delete the messages he sent to me.

I can remove the pictures we took.

But I can't forget the memories we used to have.

Erm, I have no idea why but my friends make me sounded as if I have lots of scandals with lots of guys. At first, they were talking about crushes and boyfriends and then suddenly they were like, "Ask Evelyn, she has lots of experiences." What? Experiences in what? Talking to guys? Few days later, one of them went to a party whereby she was the only girl who hung out with all guys and she told me she enjoyed it because guys talked in different perspectives and had wide range of topics. Ahhh~ Someone finally speaks my thought. LOL. I don't talk to all guys, but just some who are fun to talk with, those who have sense of humour and are not easily angry even if being teased. Not to mention, my first few best friends in kindergarten are boys too. Hahaha.

I broke a guy's heart on the 14th and he told me he was crying every night before sleeping. Okay, I'm consumed by guilt already. I think he is the second guy who cry because of me. Ugh, this is bad. Um, I think he misunderstood that I have already let go of everything in my previous relationship. But seriously, a month plus time is not sufficient enough to let go of a year's worth of memories. Perhaps I spent less time thinking about it, perhaps I spent less time crying and perhaps I spent less time being emo, but it doesn't mean I have already completely let go.

He's sweet and funny, chatting with him is really fun and comfortable. But sometimes I can't fully trust the words he says. It's too good to be true and somehow it reminds me of what someone else told me before. Of course, he says he will not be like other guys who'd hurt me but I have heard too many times to actually believe it. Nobody knows the future and people will change. A guy can say "I'd love you for eternity" when he starts to like you and wants you to be his girlfriend. After getting you or breaking up with you, he can say "You're just another bitch in my life". He can type a whole full paragraph of sweet messages to me but all I'd feel is repulsion. Sweet-nothingness is nothing by words if action proves otherwise.

Given a year and more back, maybe I will still get high and happy because of those. Now, I'm so disappointed in love to actually believe what others say. He has been telling me to give him a chance, I told him I'm not ready for a new relationship any time sooner, and he says he'd wait. My progression is as slow as turtle so he has been calling me turtle and even told me he'd buy a pair of turtles soon, naming them after our names. I thought he was just kidding but he did buy a pair of turtles on the 14th. I told him that if he couldn't wait until I'm ready, he's free to leave but he told me he doesn't want to find another girl. I think he's too desperate for girlfriend since we just talk to each other for two weeks only.

如果时机不对，那就不要轻易地爱，即使你知道眼前爱你的人就是你的最爱。错的时间对的人，最终结局往往都只是败给了时间。与其爱到最后还是要分开，不如先分离一阵，直到对的时间。要是他还留下，他就是那个对的时间对的人，如果他会离开，说明他从来都不属于你。

[If the timing is not right, don't fall in love easily even though you know the person in front of you is the one you love the most. Loving someone at the wrong time will end up losing to the time. Why not just be friends, rather than being in love and still have to separate in the end, until the right time comes? If he stays, he's the right person at the right time. If he leaves, this proves that he never belong to you.]

P.S. This has no relevant to the post above but it has slight link to relationship stuffs, so I include a postscript here. For girls who are still single and cannot understand girls who are in relationships, I hope you'd read this. You say you don't understand why those girls who already have boyfriends are very paranoid and insecure if their boyfriends talk in flirty ways to other girls or being more caring to other girls than themselves. Well, I don't blame you girls because you are still single and cannot understand the feelings felt by those who are in relationship. But if you are so assure that you will not feel or do such stuffs like those girls when you are finally in relationship, please do consider again. If you are so freaking confident that you won't do so and you won't get jealous or insecure or paranoid later in life, I will kneel down and worship you. Yet, if you are not able to hang on to your words, you are welcome to lick the sole of my shoes. Oh, do you want any flavour to go with your main course? Like, shit?